Doesn't it sometimes feel like life is just slipping through your fingers and that in any minute all of this exhausting and tormenting baby stage will have disappeared. It does for me.
Sometimes though I wish the baby stage would disappear and other times I am even more frightened of what lies ahead. But, I guess either way I will eventually have to face it and accept that life as a mother is a long hard road.
If only motherhood could be more about fun and enjoying our little ones and less about hard work, tantrums (from us) and total and utter exhaustion. I wish I could tell you it is and that I have the answer, but just like you I am too damn tired to think and too damn tired to save the world today.
I do however wish that sometimes I felt more alive and less like running away. I wish that I didn't always feel like I was an actor in a really bad sitcom and I wish just once that I could live my life for me!
Hi, my name is Melinda Walker and I am now a qualified counsellor. I have 2 beautiful girls and a loving husband. Abbey is 6 and Chloe is 18 months old and most of the time I feel pretty blessed. Chloe is very contented and loves having people around her. Her big sister Abbey is really enjoying her and just can't seem to get enough hugs and kisses from her. Abbey tells me constantly that "she just loves her little sister so much."
Even though second time around is so much easier than the first time, I still have my moments when I am completely overwhelmed, exhausted and just feel that I can't go on for another day. So, it's no wonder that those of you who aren't getting much sleep; are new mums; have a few children, or whatever else the case may be, are also equally exhausted.
Once again I am hit with post-natal depression and this time have elected to go on zoloft anti-depressants. I was still breastfeeding at the time I went on them and apparently these are one of the few anti-depressants that they have researched to show that they are safe during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I do feel a bit dizzy at times and am considering reducing the dose with my doctor just slightly. I have now been on the medication for 6 months.
However, overall I feel enormously better and for most of the time feel the best I have felt in years. On my good days, I feel like I am back to my old self where I can do and achiever anything. It's an incredible rush to realize that you do still have something to give to the world and that you are not just a wasted empty shell living everybody else's life. To help improve myself even further, I have been meditating for 10 minutes every day; am doing stretches; have started doing some work again; have put Chloe into creche 2 days a week and am setting myself goals to help me achieve a better quality of life. I am also doing and affirmation (meant to be daily, but probably every 2nd or 3rd day).
On my bad days, I try to meditate a couple of times a day, go for a walk or sometimes even just hibernate and rest. At least now I feel like I can forgive myself for resting on my bad days, because on my good days I know that I can achieve so much. I do still feel the madness though of the school and creche rush, the dinner rush and the constant cleaning, but at least at times I am getting to do my work in the comfort of my home and it is just the way that I want to do it.
Life just seems to be getting busier each day and the demands that are placed on us as women and as mothers seem to be getting greater and greater. Therefore it's not suprising that more and more women are falling in a heap and not getting to truly enjoy motherhood and their time with their children.
I hope that each of you will eventually understand that this can happen to any of us and in no way is it a failing on our part. Now all we need to do is learn how to deal with this illness, learn to get over it and then learn to deal with the enormous guilt we feel for 'supposedly letting down' our children. If only it was all that simple.
Good luck in your quest for peace within yourself and please know deep in your hearts that even in your very darkest hour, this website is always here for you and I am here for you, to listen to you and to hear your cries and your pain. Please just email me anytime at all that you need to talk, I will reply I promise you that, even if it takes a little time.
May you each be safe and well and remember that often the best advice comes from your own intuition, rather than everyone else's uninvited opinions!
Here is my story (and how history seems to be repeating itself!)
"Sometimes you wish you could just scream out to people I'm doing the best I can so leave me the hell alone!"
"My husband is so sick of my mood swings, one minute I'm full of energy and laughter and the next I'm an emotional wreck. He says he feels like he is on the worst rollercoaster ride ever. Imagine then, what it feels like for me!"
"Of course I love my child and I love being a mother, but motherhood is damn hard and sometimes all too overwhelming. But that doesn't mean I don't love my child or that I'm a bad person, even if sometimes when I have a bad day all I want to do is run."
"I think we all expect motherhood to be hard at times, but I guess you don't expect to be criticised by just about every person you meet on how to raise your child and whether or not they are cold, tired, hungry or distressed. Thanks for all the tips experts! But really we'd prefer you mind your own business."
Welcome to motherhood ladies, because essentially this is it! Does it get better-at times yes, does it get easier, sometimes yes, is it worthwhile-sometimes yes. Sometimes though it also seems to just keep on getting harder and each day just seems to keep on going and going and going. As my husband always says, "hey it's groundhog day." Without a doubt sometimes motherhood can feel that way, it certainly did for me.
Always having to deal with a child, learn to bond with them, learn the art of motherhood as you go and cope with a forgotten husband who feels neglected can sometimes be a little overhwhelming. Sometimes you feel like you just want to run and keep on running, never looking back!
Having children is such an incredible learning curve that I'm not quite sure you ever get used to it. In particular when I had post-natal depression, no-one could say or do the right thing to help me. That wasn't necessarily their fault-it's just that everything seemed so damn hard.
Hence, the reason for this website. I wanted to have an outlet for women and their families, that offered complete anonymity, where we could all share our thoughts, express our fears and take comfort that while we feel so alone there are so many others out there just trying to get through the day without bursting into tears.
I hope that this website offers you some comfort when you feel surrounded in darkness or a thick fog. I hope you will feel free to express your thoughts and know that you won't be judged because of them. Most of all, I hope that this website makes a difference in your life and helps to make things a little easier for you. May this website give you greater hope and understanding and show you that you truly are not alone and not the only person that has had to suffer with this illness.
I am not here to offer advice or to judge, just merely to listen to your thoughts, point you in the right direction and hopefully to get the public to have a greater understanding of the heart-wrenching and debilitating illness of post-natal depression.
Remember post-natal depression is a very real illness that affects at least 1 in 7 women, sometimes more. To me statistics are irrelevant, because just about every woman I come into contact with has been a desperate mother in need at some point.
Don't try to over analyse, understand why or blame yourself for this illness. You have not done anything wrong, nor do you deserve to have post-natal depression, you merely are a woman who has feelings for her children. This is not something that you have given yourself or something that you have been able to control. It is like being struck down with the flu, when it happens it happens and not because of anything you have or haven't done. PND is an illness that needs treatment and with time and with the right support ihopefully it can be cured.
The major contributing factor in the majority of cases of post-natal mood disorders seems to be psychosocial circumstances. For example, feelings of isolation, loss of social contact and loss of independence. Hence, purely medical reasons, such as a chemical imbalance in the brain, are not always the only contributing factor to post-natal depression.
Therefore, recovery from PND can take longer for some women and different types of medication may need to be tried before a positive result is found.
While it may take time, patience and a lot of understanding things should eventually get better for you. However, regardless of your situation, whether it is less severe or seems totally out of control, it is a good idea to see your GP and have a professional opinion. Don't rely on just family, friends and your own strength to get you through without any medical assistance or at least advice and information. I hope, that like with me, things do improve for each of you and you get to start enjoying your life and your children again.
I hope that each of you who suffers from this illness, is lucky enough to have the incredible support that I had from my loving husband, my beautiful mother, my father and those generous friends who supported me during this difficult time.
To all my loyal subscribers and those logging in for the first time, I thank you so much for taking the time to look at my website and for your feedback.
I wish you all the best of luck, hope that you will always be safe and may your life be filled with the beautiful colours of tulips and your child/children once again fill your hearts with joy.
