My reality of post-natal depression and how it took a hold of my life.
I think for most of my depression I felt as if I was permanently constrained by chains and that someone else had control of my life. It was as if even though I desperately wanted to break free, I just didn't know how to.
The funny thing is too, I love writing and I love to keep a diary on my kids when I remember, but in the throws of my depression I just didn't know how to even pick up a pen, let alone describe what I was going through. How could I tell others what I was experiencing when I didn't even know myself. Needless to say my diary during my thickest bout of depression was quite slim and in fact only 2 lines were taken up to discuss months of torment and anguish and the confusion that I felt at that time.
How could I write when I could barely sit still for longer than 2 minutes. I was way too agitated to sit down, to type at a computer, analyse me thoughts and put them to paper in a logical fashion. Infact I was way too agaitated to barely do anything.
It is only now that nearly 12 months later that I am able to write about it and start telling more people about my time back then. So emotionally I guess it takes quite a while to accept the illness and to come to terms with what went on at that time in my life.
I remember telling everyone I was exhausted and it only lasted 2-3 weeks, but the reality is that it lasted for 2-3 months. There were still times in January when I fretted if I was left alone or around too many people-but I think by the time we got into mid February I was almost back to normal. I know 2-3 months is not very long at all compared to what some of you have no doubt gone through, but for me it was still a very frightening and uncertain time in my life. I tell everyone now that that was when I had my little breakdown-trying to make light of it-and you know I feel like I did. I was at the lowest point that I had been since I had Abbey and I guess from there the only way was up-mind you it took me a long time to figure out which way was up.
In my diary I say Christmas came and went without too much hassle-what a lie that was. I was at a Christmas party over the road and had to leave early as I started freaking out with so many people around-I made a very quick exit and a feeble excuse about a bad headache. Christmas day with my family was okay, but I hated every minute with Paul's family-there were so many adults and kids there and I felt so claustrophobic that I just needed to run and scream. None of Paul's family knew so I had to continue on as best as I could-god I hated that day.
We then went to Adelaide for a 2 week holiday and I also started freaking out-I desperately wanted to be left alone but just couldn't stand to be on my own-it was such a weird time. I think for Paul (my husband), he felt like he couldn't ever do or say the right thing. We also had Paul's 10 year old son on holiday with us for the first time-so it was even extra trying than it would normally have been. I remember thinking I just want to go home and see Mum, but when Taylor left I started to settle down a bit and we moved onto a beautiful spot in the country and had our own house and plenty of room to move. There I felt at peace for a little while.
Then on the drive home I started fretting a little again and wanted to be home, as soon as we were home-all the bad memories kept flooding back and I just wanted to get out of there. It was like I don't want to be here, but I also don't want to be there. Mind you nothing bad had really happened at home-I just knew this is where I would be alone with Abbey and my thoughts all over again and sometimes even the biggest of homes isn't big enough. Even though we are only in a modest 3-bedroom home in inner Melbourne and I absolutely love my home and the area I still felt uncomfortable being there.
Post-natal depression for me was such a strange time, because one minute I felt in control and okay and the next minute I felt tingly all over and like I needed to run forever and just scream until I could no longer talk-I suppose I should take you back to where it all started-at least where I think it started.
It was early December 2002 and 2 of my girlfriends and I had planned a weekend in the city-finally I was going to get some time out-I couldn't wait. The first day came and went without too many hassles and we were very relaxed. We went out that night had a few drinks and a lot of conversation, I wanted to go out dancing, but then we decided not too after all. We went back to the rooms and unfortunately I barely slept-I woke up agitated and we went for a swim and a spa-thinking that would help me-it just made things worse for me. I sat in the sauna without the girls and thought I have to get out of here. We went back to the room, dressed, had breakfast and then packed up to leave. That was it, I was paying downstairs and just couldn't stop crying-I ran out the door, flagged down a taxi and left the girls standing on the pavement. Paul later rang them to tell them I was okay, but really I wasn't. I couldn't stop shaking, Paul gave me some panadeine and I hopped into bed and cried and shook all day-I later rang Mum and told her-she came down immediately and stayed for a few days. Mum was now on holidays from work and Paul was starting to wind down. I told them what I was feeling and how frightened I was.
Mum offered to take Abbey to her place for a while, but I couldn't stand the thought of being without her-I needed to be able to see her every day to know that this pain and uncertainty was worth it. Also in truth I was scared what I would do to myself if I was left alone with no child.
I was constantly agitated, moving my feet non-stop, and my arms were twitching and flying all over the place-if you had of seen me you would have thought I was an absolute lunatic. While I sat, my body and my mind didn't rest for a second. I constantly had the fidgets and would get up walk and then come and sit back down again. At that time it was really hard for me to go out, as my arms would be flying all over the place and believe me this is not a good look in public. Mind you I couldn't stand the thought of being out in public anyway.
I ate my food without tasting it or knowing why. I think I tried to continue to be as so-called normal as possible because everything seemed so unnatural and so damned difficult. Whatever I did, watched or ate had no meaning for me. I can't say I really felt guilty or emotional because I didn't feel anything. I do however look back now and have some guilt over how I was towards Paul and Abbey, but both are still well and happy and still love me very much.
During that time, I got dressed, cleaned up and did the washing, but I have absolutely no recollection of doing it or how I did it. I would get to the end of the day and it was so hazy I had no idea how I had spent the day. I still don't know how I managed to get dressed on my own or even get out of bed because everything seemed so difficult, like I was learning the simplest things all over again and really had no idea of what I was doing. That I think was the scariest part. Mum asked me if I thought I was a harm to myself or to Abbey and I answered honestly-" I have no idea-if I kill her or myself I wouldn't know that I was doing it-because everything is just a blur." That was it-Mum talked to Paul and to friends and made sure I always had someone with me-she also made me make a doctor's appointment and tell them what I was going through.
Can I just say that if you can find a female G.P who has had children they do understand better? My G.P was absolutely brilliant-and we kept in regular contact and I saw her twice a week and made contact by phone almost daily. I was also having acupuncture at the time to settle me down, but I had to have a very low dose and only for a short time or I would freak out. I was also on Chinese herbs and I believe that these helped to reduce the severity and the length of PND-but I guess I'll never really know for sure.
My doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants and I said no way I'm not going on those things-I look back and wish I hadn't been so blinded by society about the benefits of anti-depressants, but unfortunately no-one could convince me otherwise.
Anti-depressants do take 2-3 weeks to become effective, but they do apparently make a difference. There are however many different types and you need to talk to your G.P to find the right one to suit you and to fully understand the pros and cons of taking anti-depressants.
The hardest thing was that I didn't cry, because I didn't feel-I was just completely numb. At that time I would look at Abbey and at Paul and feel absolutely nothing. If I hurt myself physically it just didn't hurt-there was no pain-just nothing.
I remember years ago I went skiing with an old boyfriend and I got lost at the top of the mountain and caught in a blizzard-I couldn't see a damn thing and basically just had to sit and wait for it to pass. For me, that's exactly how I felt with PND-except that I didn't think it was ever going to pass. I was in a deep thick fog and I couldn't find my way out of it-no matter how hard I or others tried. Then eventually it did pass, but at times it came back just not quite as thick. I would sit there shaking and it could be boiling hot and I wouldn't know it. I just felt like I wasn't even there. I think I was just surviving but I don't know how.
While I had a lot of support from family and friends there were those friends that said the ever wonderful cliches of "you just need to relax","snap out of it-you've got a child to look after remember", "you're not depressed you're just naturally exhausted", "you need to do Yoga and then you'll be okay."
God I wish it was that simple-if I could have just stayed still long enough to do Yoga I would have loved to-but I was way too agitated and believe me if I could have just snapped out of it I also would have.
I guess in all fairness to my friends and those times, sometimes there is no right thing to say. All you can do is be there for someone with PND and help them as much as you can with chores, listening to them or maybe taking the kids for an hour or so if you are able to do that. If you have a good Mum and/or Dad-use them to your full advantage-that's what they are there for. I'm very lucky I know-as I have by far the best parents and a very supportive husband. While Mum helped out the most, it was still great to have extra support from Dad, Paul and friends.
Paul works in real estate and works ridiculously long hours so for the most part I'm doing it on my own-and at night time-things tend to haunt you and stress you out even more than before.
Paul kept on saying things like"what shall we do for dinner. What do you want to do today?" I could never answer him as I could never make decisions-I know he thought I was being obnoxious and unreasonable, but I seriously could not make one single decision and it wasn't until later that I could even tell him that. It's hard when you have to decide what to dress your daughter in and what you have to wear for the day or what to feed her and you have no idea of where to start.
It's strange when you have been competent for so long and most of the time I had handled Abbey's lack of sleeping, asthma and breathing problems relatively well-but this time I just couldn't go on-so I didn't. My body and mind while active just seemed to stop functioning and I couldn't concentrate nor do anything worthwhile-I felt like I should have been put on the scrap heap and I was an absolute failure.
You know what I kept thinking-women have children everyday why should I be the only one not too cope, why am I the only one who finds this so hard and is depressed, why can't I do something so simple as look after my own daughter?
I have since discovered that while PND can be a genuine chemical imbalance in the brain, more often than not with postnatal mood disorders it is a result of psychological circumstances. This can occur whilst pregnant (although generally referred to as ante-natal depression), from having a miscarriage and/or from giving birth. Post-natal depression affects at least 1 in 10 women.
Many women who have PND never tell anybody, go undiagnosed and often may not even realise they have it or understand what is going on. Many women, as I have recently found out from friends, colleagues and acquaintances, are so ashamed of this illness that they don't even tell those closest to them.
We need to change this. We need to talk about our illness and let people know that we are not a failure and that this is a very real and common illness that many women have to cope with. The women are not the only ones affected but also their families and their friends and this message needs to be said loud and clear to help society understand what goes on behind close doors.
The truth is I was sick, just like having a cold or the flu but I had PND and it was not my fault. I was genuinely sick and this illness, at that point in time was totally out of my control. That is what you need to tell yourself and that is what you need to believe.
I do believe it now but I would never have believed it then.
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Personal Experience 
